Swing a cat and other words of wisdom...fear the flying squirrel...

Well it has often been said that you can't swing a cat in the subway without hitting a special person...and people are always right out sideways trying to get on the train...sometimes I really cabbage other peoples cool toys.

Now I realize that to a lot of you people reading this, that group of words likely didn't make any sense, and that's because it wouldn't make any sense to you unless you were from the east coast of Canada...New Brunswick more specifically and Carleton County if you want to be precise...to shed some light on this keep reading and then visit www.dooryard.ca...

Every group of people has their own slang, every country, province, city, school, group of friends right down to the individual have their own odd things they say that make other people look at them like they have 5 heads...I for instance say things like...'it's better than a kick in the nuts'...or 'i wouldn't kick her outta bed for eating crackers' (sorry mom)...and 'she'd do in a pinch'...'giver'...or a classic like 'we go way back, way back in the woods and bend em over a tree stump' (innappropriate I know, but I was young :)

Now when I say these things around people who have never met me/heard these words together before...they generally cock their heads and say 'what the ...?...' which is precisely what I was hoping for. People talk like this in my opinion to make others not know what the heck they are talking about.

So you say, that makes no sense...the whole point of people being able to talk is to communicate and get their feelings/points/message across to their audience...well that's not for me. For some strange reason I am all about making the person have to think about what my message might be, simply because I can. I consider myself a very cunning linguist...and I like to test it on a daily basis...ask anyone who has spent more than an hour with me and they may just tend to agree...or they are lying...

So think about people you know and I 100% guarantee you that if you do now hang around with boring, monotonous people that you will be able to think of one person who says things that are unique to them or to your group of friends...newfies ask people 'what are you at' for what are you doing and 'where ya to' for where are you or 'I'm gonna get a shower' like they have to go buy when instead of just having a shower...so they are all around us...they live inside us...which is odd, maybe that's why I am gaining weight (stupid extra person inside me)

New Brunswick is very full this type of thing and people often say to me, man you NBers sure do talk funny...are you guys retarded or something...I respond with, we aren't retarded buddy, we just like to head to the camp with a case of beer and play bammington in the willy wags while we hang with our cuzzint's, and big whoop if you think we are retarded...I'm gonna be fair t' middlin' no matter what...champ!...enjoy your b'dayduh break...

JLS...the mystery wrapped up in an enigma inside and iron box with 14 locks on it while the half ton mom sits on top of it...get into it

Random thought # 9 or 10: puckerbrush, right out straight, so drunk that drunk is sober, common sense ain't so common, fill yer boots, dog wettin' and piss cut are also classic and amazing sayings I have heard in a sentence...look em up!!

911...not always for Emergencies...

Well folks, what can I say...this world is full of many different kinds of people. I'm not talking race, or gender...I am however talking about IQ level! Now I am certainly not saying that I am a genius, but I can confidently say that I am significantly higher on the scale than these following people...
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No Booze? Call 911!

Wednesday August 19, 2009

In recent months, we've gone over many stupid reasons to call 911:

There was Michael Krause, the guy who called 911, and asked for a lift to a Lil Wayne concert.(can't knock this guy, that's a ballsy move...)

There was the infamous McNugget 911 emergency in Florida, followed by the botched Mickey D's order in Oregon, which also required police assistance.(These people deserve to take a long walk off a short cliff...)

We had the story of the depressed woman from Jacksonville, who asked 911 to take her to jail. And, in 2008, we had the story of the man who dialed 9-1-1 with his toe.

Now, we have the case of Robert Edward Cook, who allegedly called 911 because members of his family hid his booze, probably for a very good reason. (Joe's comment: I know a lot of people who like to drink and I have partaken as well...but when it gets to the point A. where your family has to hide your booze from you and B. when you have to respond to that by calling the police...it A&E Intervention time!...I want to know if he called to get the family arrested or if he was reporting a booze robbery)

The police report, quoted in First Coast News indicates that he was in a "drunken state" and so does his mug shot. (Weird Crime Mug Shot Hall of Shame)

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Random Thought #8: why does the guy down the street always ask people if they have a spare quarter?...I mean quarters don't expire and I have never once said 'man I have too many damn quarters, I better throw some out...'

Random Thought#9: link this my #8. McDonalds, Wednys, Tim Hortons are always hiring, seriously always...go get a job and earn your own spare quarters...

JLS...tickets still available (more than my ego would like to admit)

Have you ever?...

Well I was listening to my favorite radio station today, 102.1 the Edge here in Toronto and I heard this interesting piece...Things men think about doing...I found it on LoriAnn's blog...she found it in men's health.

Now what I've done is highlited ones green that I have tried, and ones red that I have actually thought about doing...then at the end I am going to add some sweet ones that didn't make the cut...Try not to think differently of me, but if you do, that's fine too!!

Here are 16 things you've thought about doing... maybe you have done some of them, if thats the case, let me know! If you want to know what happens if you try this stuff go here:http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/eternal_question_answers/

Throw a Penny Off a Building
Marry Your Cousin
Put Metal in the Microwave
Stow Savings Under the Mattress
Get Shocked with Heart Paddles
Never Shut Off Your Computer
Never Cut Your Hair
Never Changed the Oil in Your Car
Throw a Moving Car into Park
Stick a Finger into a Gun Barrel
Cooked Something at 700 Degrees
Left Your Airplane Seat Reclined
Swallow Gasoline
Touched Jumper-Cable Clamps Together (albebit by mistake)
Objected at a Wedding
Tried to Make a Citizen's Arrest (NEVER THOUGHT OF IT, BUT THAT'S A WICKED IDEA!!!)

Now I have highlited a good # of those things, so Men's Health has a decent idea of what they are talking about...however I think they missed some, so here is the addition list that apprear's in this Month's issue of Dr Joe's Health and Wellness Book...

-Get Punched by Mike Tyson in his prime

-Go swimming above Niaga Falls, just to see if you are as good as you say you are

-Swerve into oncoming traffic like in that messed up movie 'Crash'(not the movie of the year version)

-bungee jump off the CN Tower

-Fly a plain through the world famous Hartland Covered Bridge (this was in a dream, I in no way condone this activity....:)

-Similar to the object at a wedding, but I would also like to add stand up and yell...'It's my baby'

Now I could go on for days with ideas, but my brain may or may not work differently from other...WHAT WOULD YOU ADD TO THE LIST? I KNOW WE ALL HAVE THINGS THAT WE SECRETLY WONDER ABOUT!!!

JLS

Random Thought #5? I think: I like the article that Sports Illustrated does....it's called Thing's I Think I Think...

Random Thought #6: It must be true that most of your best friends are made later in life, as I only activly talk to 2 or 3 people I went to HHS with...

Random thought #7: iPhones and Tornados are cool...

Power is out stay tuned...apparently none of my electronics work when the power is out...who knew...I'll be back someday soon power commish willing...

Return of the Gunslinger...Dickies Universe Follow Up..

I wanted to add a little follow up to Dickie's Universe post from the other day...BK Flame!! The greatest scent on the market today...kills chanel, brute, and old spice any day of the week.

The promotional poster at the top tell is all...if that doesn't make you wanna smell like a whopper, then nothing will. I just wanna eat someone...mmmmmmm...

Let's take a poll...would you sniff me if I wore that BK Flame?...I know ya would...

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Favre is like that old chinese food in your fridge...you ordered the meal for 6 all by yourself...and after 5 days you keep going back for more and it still tastes so good but you just wish it would go the hell away...

Brett Favre...what can I say hasn't already been said...well nothing because I think he is the most talked about sports figure/pop or un pop culture icon in the North America over the past 3 years..

I will say this, the Gunslinger is back...at least the NFL version is. I don't think he's firing with two barrels like he was earlier in his stellar career. The picture at the tope is actually his rookie card...

This is not the heroic Gunslinger that Stephen King Imagined in his Eipc Dark Tower series, and if this was the NFL version of that epic, this would be book 42. The series itself only went 7 deep, so that being said...Brett, I'm gonna watch your games because I am a sucker for an aging sports icon...I will cheer for it to end well and will not be surprised when it doesn't.

Favre Quotes:

I can't believe I survived, not only my life, but I am still playing football 'cause half of those eight or nine years I don't even remember. (clearly that should be one sign to hang em up...)

I consider adversity being good sometimes you know. (Is that why you keep creating so much of it for yourself?...)

I really believe this team has a lot of potential - whether it's this year or in years to come, I don't know. (Is that why he is trying to play for all of the teams in the NFL before he actually retires?...)

Random Thought#3: When I wake up in the morning, I look around and wonder what happened...then I remember that nothing happened and that's why I am where I am...

Weekend in Review...Random thoughts #1...

Well I will say I have had a pretty good weekend all around...Tiger Woods did not...however he still made more money than I may make in my lifetime...YA Yang everyone...

We went to Sandbanks Prov Park on Saturday for the beach, good times, a lot of sun and some pops. The water was bath water warm and looked like people had actually bathed in it as well, but I will pretend that wasn't the case. I don't want to taint the greatness. If youe have not been, go, it's worth the price of admission...

Check it out here at : http://www.ontarioparks.com/english/sand.html

Watched Demolition Man last night after my better half fell asleep. I realized there is a reason I have not thought about that movie since it came out in 1993...it was like watching paint dry, but with less of a plot/storyline (like baige or white paint, not even a fun color like red or aqua)...but I kept watching, so that should tell you a lot about my brain...

60 Minutes had the first interview with M Vick since his release 85 days ago. Not bad, people will be skeptical and should be until his actions live up to these words:

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5245553n&tag=contentMain;cbsCarousel

They also had some stuff on there about Cold Play, they looked way cooler on there than Pat had made them seem, so check that out too.

District 9: I will give it a 7/10...well thought out story and well done for what it was meant to be...I recommend it if you like something different. If you are closed minded, then save your 13 bucks...

Random thought #1: Why do they have to be called long johns? Why not like long Bob's or something like that. What did John do to get so much respect from the fashion world?...

Random Thought #2: Why does the name Joe have to get such a bad rap?...average Joe, cup of Joe, Joe blow, ordinary Joe...my life goal is to shake this stigma for all Joe's, so watch out and welcome to the show...


JLS

PHILADELPHIA - Michael Vick is back in the NFL, landing a job with the Philadelphia Eagles.

Vick's agent, Joel Segal, confirmed Thursday that the sides had a deal.

Vick has not played in the NFL since 2006. The former Atlanta Falcons star was convicted in August 2007 of conspiracy and running a dogfighting operation, and was sentenced to 23 months in federal prison. He also was suspended indefinitely by the NFL.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell conditionally lifted Vick's suspension on July 27, allowing him to sign with a team.

Read the Article at http://www.thescore.com/nfl/nfl_news_article.aspx?eventId=NEWS-CP-132009021

Well I knew it wouldn't take long, but i am completely shocked that it's with the Eagles. I didn't see that one coming. I guess you never can listen to the rumour mill...

Thoughts? At least he went to a team named after birds, they will make an animal lover out of him yet I am sure...

JLS

Movies...What are you seeing?

I don't know what you all think, but we have been in a movie drought of late...however it seems there are some good options coming up.

Here are a few that could be really good or bad, but likely worth seeing...

Aug 14 - District 9...aliens on earth flick

Aug 21 - Inglorious Bastards...and I want my scalps

Sept 9 - "9"...ragdolls are going to save humanity...9 of em incase you missed that

Let me know what you think...

On a side not, feel free to comment, I welcome spirited dialogue...feel free to pass this link on to others and I promise that I will become very entertaining, just warming up

JLS

Michael Vick...maybe playing at the Dog Pound?...

With team after team turning him down, the question regarding Michael Vick, thrower of footballs and killer of dogs, is not whether he will return to the NFLor even whether he should return but whether he would be back already if he were just a wee bit younger and could still thread a needle with the football. The answer, boys and girls, is yes. An excuse would have been found.

Last month, league Commissioner Roger Goodell lifted the ban on Vick, making him eligible to join a team. Vick has done his time in jail and punched all the remorse and "paid his debt to society" tickets.

Read the whole article here....

I don't know what you think about this situation, but I have some very specific thoughts. Michael Vick was involved in some pretty disgusting stuff, but he has been punished quite severly for something that I guarantee happens to a great extent today...it's likely happening right now!

I love dogs and animals in general, so clearly Vick made a bad choice to torture them, maybe not first hand, but he was involved. Again, he paid his debt, he spent two years in jail (longer than some rapists and child molesters by the way), lost over 100 million dollars in endorsements, 2 years of a career that's almost impossible to get and is now forever labeled (rightly so, but a man should be able to work, and his skills happen to be a cannon arm and freakish athletic ability...)

One last note, the NFL is full of people who have been accused and/or convicted of crimes. Some less severe and some more severe (See Jamal Lewis, Ray Lewis, Dante Stallworth...).

Let him play, I am selfish and I want to see even 70% of the talent he had before because it will make me smile a lot, and most people say i don't smile enough...come on people...

What are your thoughts? What else ya wanna talk about?

JLS in Toronto

Welcome to the Show...

Thanks for showing up, there is a lot to come...tell me what you want to see on here and what you would like me to comment on...

Joe